The other day a former co-worker of mine found me and this blog. “You’re on the first row of images when I google ‘legalize trans’” she excitedly skyped.
Other than a few choice people who know my real name, I try very hard to keep this blog semi-anonymous.
In real life, I’m not out out. Meaning once in a while I’ll post an LGBTQ-related news piece, but in general those that are acquaintances can guess, and those that know me just think I’m gay. Very few people know or intuit that I’m trans. Although that is about to change as I keep making a more conscious, and visible, transition. When that time comes, should this blog stop being anonymous? Absolutely not. Whether I’m out or not in real life, or what I talk about, or what news I share, or who knows what, is not really the driving force behind this thin veil.
First, were this blog to contain my real name, it would be google-able. Easily. That means that any random person I happen to meet, or for that matter, any random person who comes across my name somewhere (which is not difficult), could easily find this. Yikes! I’d at least like to think that I have some sort of control on what information about me is out there.
But this highlights a more pressing prospect. What I post here is quite personal, and it’s stuff I’d prefer to keep private. That anybody out there could easily access it and connect it back to me is scary. Moreover, it would be an automatic deterrent to me saying, analyzing, or revealing anything of use anymore, mostly because I’d be self-conscious that “someone I know” is going to read this, and that’s just plain embarrassing. Because everyone knows that what I write here is stupid and nonsensical. But seriously, the only reason I have the guts to put this out there in the first place is because I convince myself that nobody real is going to read it.
Still, I’ve posted my first name somewhere, a few pictures of myself, and lots of unique personal details, so that if you happen come across this blog and you actually know me, it’s hard to miss the connection. Why?
You see, my former co-worker and friend happens to be transgender herself. Which of course explains why she was googling images for “legalize trans” in the first place! And to her I say: welcome, you’ve come to the right place! If anyone who finds this blog happens to know me in real life, then it’s highly likely we have a common interest, whether we know it yet or not. If our paths have independently crossed twice, then it is truly not fortuitous we came across each other. You searched, you found. Please, let me know, and you’ll personally receive a big hug from real little me.
6 thoughts on “On Anonymity”
I completely understand where you’re coming from. For me, blogging is putting my real self on there, and at times I’m caught between trying to be as authentic as possible on my blog and avoiding sharing anything too earth-shattering for anyone who happens to google my name.
I do the same thing. It’s not for hiding anything, its for having a place to blow off steam or just write away from me a tad. My blog has some pretty candid info, and that info is known on the other side as well, but in general, I like having a bit of a curtain.
In fact, I lament loss of places like technodyke, where I encountered so many young dykes coming to terms with themselves, searching, perhaps dealing with pressure from family or friends, or schoolmates. Now, there is no safe haven, not even a bedroom given the pervasiveness of electronic media, and this shows up in the increasing suicide rate amongst young people, either lgbtq or accused of such.
Every time I do something that could connect me to my real identity I have the same worries and thoughts. Added to that in that I eventually want to work in a public library with children, and my blog could potentially get me into big trouble depending on who found it. It’s why I’ll probably just keep going by ace eccentric and hide away any mentions of my real name that do happen to pop up.
I secretly wish to be found out. Perhaps then the secrets would end….
ME TOO! YES. (and no… it’s so complicated….)