Today I got an automated email. It’s been 2 years from today since I started blogging at http://neutrois.me.
I never imagined everything that would come of it: intimate exploration of my identity, exposing my transition very publicly, speaking at workshops and participating in panels, traveling to conferences across the US, meeting trans advocates from all over the world, and connecting with a community who is powerful, brave, insightful, challenging, and above all, who is propelling society forward by breaking apart a rigid and constraining gender binary, which in the end benefits not just trans* people but everyone.
I’m not gonna to lie. At times I get so scared, so frustrated, all the motivation is drained out of me. I wonder “why the hell am I doing this?” and ask myself to come up with one good reason to keep going. I lose sleep. I cry.
Eventually, my significant other comforts me. I re-read previous posts and see little bits of wisdom shining through, but also see the lost confusion that once was, and has been since overcome. I get an email from someone who needs advice, and I know exactly just what to say, only because I’ve been there, done that.
But most of all, I think of the me two or three years ago, when I didn’t have anyone to talk to, to reach out to, to read about. When I didn’t know anyone like me existed. When I didn’t even know what was possible. When I didn’t even know what to look for. I was just someone who had struggled their entire life, someone who never fit into the gender boxes. But who was I to know that was a problem that could be fixed?
I never thought I’d come to describe myself as a “happy” person. Today I feel incredibly blessed, lucky, and – yes – happy, with myself and my life. But there’s always still work to do.
Thank you all for the never ending support. Every single word is encouragement to keep fighting, keep talking, keep writing, keep doing, keep moving forward. It’s not only for me, it’s for you, for the community. It’s for every single person who stumbles onto this blog and reads the comments where you share your experiences and your stories and feels connected, feels hope, feels happy.
Onwards we go.
(Apologies for the overflowing sappy sentimentality, but that’s what happens when I spontaneously write about my feeelings…)