One of the most commonly repeated phrases / acknowledgments / pieces of advice / soundbites of justification that we hear as transgender people is “Be Yourself.” As I’ve transitioned, I’ve uttered these words in a meager attempt at explaining the hugely positive impact this gender journey has had on my life:
– I am my authentic self
– I feel more comfortable
– I can finally just be myself
But how do you know who “Yourself” is when that is exactly what you’re searching for?
What is authentic?
For many, “being ourselves” is something we’ve never truly experienced, least not before transition. We often report feeling as if we’ve been wearing masks our entire lives, pretending to be someone we are not.
It is clear who we are not, but do we know what lies beneath the mask? Who would we be if we were to stop pretending?
We’ve never had a chance to fully embody that unmasked individual save for fleeting glimpses, few and far between, sometimes only in our thoughts, or in little moments, mere minutes snuck into a lifetime of purposeful stifling.
Perhaps in our childhood we were too oblivious to notice gender. Or at least there were enough of those moments where it didn’t loom over us, take over our lives, and we were just “ourselves” most of the time. It wasn’t until we learned the word to describe this inner conflict that we became aware the conflict existed at all. We started questioning why we partook in certain activities, why we enjoyed what we did, whether it was appropriate to enjoy it in the first place. Our self was turned upside down in an instant, transformed into a series of questions with no answers.
When considering what the next best step is for us – whether it will bring us closer to
authenticity – it’s difficult to place our future selves in what has been, until now, essentially an imaginary state.
Authentic is: genuine, real, legitimate, valid.
Being authentic for me has been a struggle that’s not only about gender. If I wear the same clothes that everyone else is wearing, am I being authentic? If I stop trying to explain everything rationally, am I staying true to the core of my being?
Whenever I stop acting, whenever I stop thinking about doing something and just do, when I don’t even realize I’ve stopped thinking about it, that’s when I know I’m being authentic. Of course, I only acknowledge this in retrospect, because hopefully I’ve been so caught up in the moment that I forgot to check in with my authenticity.
What is comfortable?
A question as simple as “what’s your name?” shouldn’t stir up a storm inside every time it’s asked. Something as basic as peeing in public shouldn’t be extreme anxiety-inducing. Gender is not something you should feel, grating at your insides, every waking moment. Gender should be like the air you breathe: essential, yet unnoticed the majority of the time.
As I transitioned, I eventually started feeling comfortable in myself. Or rather, I stopped feeling so uncomfortable and upset and frustrated with my body and the way people interacted with me. Instead, I found relief when I looked in the mirror, pride in how I was seen by other people, ease in how I was addressed, satisfaction in what I thought of myself. This did not happen overnight, but every day I’d feel a little less worse, until I began to feel a little bit better. Suddenly I looked back and realized I was feeling a whole lot better than I ever thought I could.
Feeling comfortable is forgetting the frustration ever even existed. I have to actively sift through my memories to recall a time when I did not feel at ease. This is not to say my life, my body, my mind are all perfect; but instead of constantly grasping for that evaporating illusion of who I could be, it’s the ever-present frustrated state that has floated away into the clouds.
How can I be myself?
Is my “true self” something I’m born with, or is it who I choose to become? Should I focus on deep introspection, or should I attempt to construct the best person I can given my circumstances? Is it Nature, or is it Nurture? We’re surrounded by fake binaries… This is the quintessential human lifelong quest, and it’s not restricted to gender.
Being myself has been releasing my mind from hyperawareness, from excessive meta-analysis, escaping the persistent fight or flight potential beneath every interaction. It’s a move towards an effortless ease in my gender, in my personality, in everyday moments, allowing me to forget I exist and to enjoy what is happening in front of me.
I don’t have any magical answers. Do a lot of research. Mix in some careful deliberation. Follow your gut. Trust that the decision you make right now is the best decision for who your self is in this current slice of time and space. Don’t be afraid of the decisions you’ll make in the future; they might sound like awful choices today, but tomorrow you’ll have found enough reasons to have taken that path. And just be yourself, whoever that may be at any given moment.
15 thoughts on “Be Yourself”
When everyone kept telling me “No, you’re just butch, you’re just butch”, I always felt like it was always still off-kilter. Something just didn’t seem RIGHT. When it’s girls-bs-boys in anything (sadly few know if non-binary types), I always felt like I somehow should have been on the boys side; the girls would taunt me in anything else, but he’ll would freeze over before letting me join the guys side, as I was one of the few “girls” who could keep up with the guys physically in high school.
My family won’t recognize me as their son or brother until I get “therapy”. I need the surgery, but no way in hell am I going to go through an RLE just to “prove” I’m a guy. I’ve always behaved and associated with the guys in one way or another. At work, people accept me as one of the guys, treat me no differently from the other guys. The one mother on our team treats me like one of her own sons, instead of one of her daughters. The workers and mallrats at the mall see me go into the men’s room, and no has yet to give me an issue, compared to the multiple I had when used the women’s room when I was “butch”.
It’s been almost 7 months since I realized I was a guy, not just some stone butch kind of gal. I’m finally at the point that I don’t care if what I do is “manly” or not. (I finally can wear pink polo shirts, no problem.) All I care about is that you get my name, my gender pronouns and titles, and favorite coffees right 😉
I was just writing about the same kind of thing on my blog! Thanks for putting it into words so well. 🙂
“This is the quintessential human lifelong quest, and it’s not restricted to gender.”
This idea, the realization that all humans struggle, is what keeps me going.Great piece.
It’s good to see a post from you. And this is exceptionally timely in my life.
In the words of someone wiser than myself (Yiscah Smith, author of Forty Years in the Wildnerness):
“How do you know when you are on a journey to authentic living? When you find it easier to be kind to those around you.”
She explained further (I’m paraphrasing):
So much of what we do or say, how we react, has to do with past hurts. When we begin to live authentically, we begin to heal those old hurts. The evidence of healing is the feeling that it is natural to be empathetic and kind to the people around us, rather than be caught up in the past, reacting a beat behind the present, and so often angry.
Reblogged this on The Bearded Genderqueer and commented:
All of this resonates with me so much. But particularly this:
“A question as simple as “what’s your name?” shouldn’t stir up a storm inside every time it’s asked. Something as basic as peeing in public shouldn’t be extreme anxiety-inducing. Gender is not something you should feel, grating at your insides, every waking moment. Gender should be like the air you breathe: essential, yet unnoticed the majority of the time.”
I have a long way to go still in feeling like my authentic self but the more steps I take, the less mental energy my gender has to take up in my daily thoughts. Every waking moment isn’t filled with questions and anxieties even though there are still a lot of them left.
I hope you see this. I notice this is an older post. This blog has been one of, if not the best, resources I’ve found. I’ve been living as genderqueer without realizing I was for about 20 years. Now I’m choosing to live authentically and damn it’s difficult!! I know our experiences are different but it seems everything you say really speaks to me.
Thank you thank you thank you
Thanks for this kind message! I know I don’t write much anymore but it’s always uplifting to hear someone else is finding their way through these words. It’s damn difficult but also damn refreshing to live authentically ❤️