On January 7 2012 I started Testosterone, and January 5 2013 was my last shot.
The reason I stopped T this time was because of my hysterectomy. More estrogen and less testosterone encourages faster healing, so my surgeon recommended suspending T for a few weeks if I felt comfortable doing so.
In my previous grapples with testosterone, I was always looking for an excuse to keep going. This time, however, I was looking for an excuse to stop. To be honest, I’ve been perfectly comfortable with the changes over the past 6 months, even after switching from cream to injections. But I had recently started questioning whether the time had come to be done with it all.
I guess I found what I had been looking for, which has ironically become clear after the fact.
The muscle gain was astounding. My voice dropped to a more androgynous range. I’m still “ma’am” on the phone, but not in person. I swear my fingernails grow a lot faster now.
Yet it’s not just my voice. Something has else changed, something subtle. Across the board people are perceiving my gender as teetering on the edge, yet unsure on which side. The ambiguity of my gender is more pronounced.
Testosterone masculinizes you. But I never set out to become “male.” I needed that masculinization to make me less feminine, and that’s what I’ve gotten. Some people still confidently see a girl, some unwaveringly see a boy. But for the most part, I get a lot of confused looks, awkward pauses, and way fewer pronouns. I’m just a person now, and this, in a sense, is much more me.
T Timeline
- 09/27/11 Testosterone, Part 1
- 09/29/11 Testosterone, Part 2
- 01/11/12 T&T
- 04/11/12 Testosterone: 3 Months
- 06/07/12 A Letter To My Family
- 06/15/12 Testosterone: 4.5 Months
- 10/15/12 Testosterone: Our Rocky Relationship
- 10/24/12 Testosterone: 9 Months
genderqueer.me 
Awesome!!!! All the best on surgery, T, and other transitions. It’s so exciting to hear a blogger’s voice – makes me think I might do a short video for my blog too, though not so people can hear my voice drop – that wouldn’t make this soprano happy, hehe. I’m happy for you and wish you all the best.
I wonder how much more just the world would be if gender existed in the ambiguity you now live.
Thank you.
You sound totally awesome 🙂
Can you keep us updated on your adventures in T? I’m interested in taking T for only a short period of time, as well.
This was so far the last update. But I promise there is more to come (hint hint) 😛
Are you currently still on T?
I suspended it for better recovery of my hysto surgery, but as of today I’m back on, slowly easing into it again.
just found this blog, and I’ll say, it is awesome. I fully appreciate an individual who is smart enough to realize that no matter how much T we take or surgeries we have, we’re still cis-females and have to deal with our lives as “binary”. I find the discussion here extremely healthy. Kudos to the author.
As a 50 year old life-long “T” if we’re in to categories, I’ve only in the last years been able to put that “label” (which I hate labels, but definitions do help) on myself. Growing up and living all these years as essentially a male, with more “sir’s” than “ma’am’s”, it feels right as rain so to speak to be on the cream “T” that I’m on (for two years now, low dose), and the changes I feel in me with it, and with now taking to “packing.” The additional body part has made me feel as though I’m practically just now….entering puberty. Lordy!
Needless to say, thank you author for your comments and sharing of your experience — esp top surgery and lower “contouring”, which I am contemplating at this time. Over all these years, I’d essentially just made peace with my female body, despite the lifetime of male sex response with the women (mostly straight) in my life, including my wife —but I can tell you that it puts a smile on my face to consider the notion that I had as a 14 year old that “maybe I can stop these boobs!”. : )
I enjoy your blog. Hope you keep with it. Cheers!