I’ve been injecting testosterone into alternating thighs every two weeks for the past 3 years or so. Sometimes I wonder if it’s doing what it’s supposed to be doing because my dose is too low. Sometimes I wonder what’s it’s supposed to be doing in the first place.
I like that it’s made me more masculine. My voice isn’t embarrassingly high pitched. I am still of the opinion that my body shape is slightly more neutral. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about my period anymore. Yet the facial hair… it’s there.
Even on a freshly shaven silhouette, it’s hard to miss the thick dark hairs that grow against my pale face when you’re close enough. My friends notice it. My dad notices it. I notice it. In a way, I’ve accepted it because I can’t ignore it — it’s a part of me now, a part of my body and my gender. It doesn’t bother me in the way other parts of my body used to bother me. I’m just not sure if it’s really me.
I shave every 2-3 days, or whenever I’m going out. I stare and obsess in the mirror. It’s too patchy to grow out. Potential is based on genetics; my outlook holds no great promises, since my 25 year-old brother, despite being very hairy in other places, cannot grow a proper beard. My brother protests I tend to one-up him, so perhaps I could sprout a better facial hair than him.
Despite the shadow, I can’t imagine myself with a beard. I’m happy without one.
Most people who meet me are shocked, flabbergasted I say, to hear that anyone would see me as anything but a boy. Perhaps a trans boy, but definitely not a girl, much less a lady. Yet it happens. Even with a revealing tank top and visible scruff. Even topless — as in, I don’t have breasts anymore and it could not be more obvious that I don’t — I’ve gotten called ma’am. Which leads me to think testosterone is not doing what it should.
But increasing the dose is not going to make me grow taller, and I believe height is my biggest (or should I say, smallest?) disadvantage. And increasing the dose is not going to take me anywhere I particularly want to go, regardless of whether I would mind or not. So perhaps testosterone is not really having an effect on me anymore. Or perhaps it is, it’s just too gradual for me to notice.
The one thing I’m sure of is that I’m pretty comfortable where I am.
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